Dr. Rajesh Bhola
India
Mar 15, 2013
Last month I met Rekha. Her whole life she has worked very hard to make both ends meet, and spent a significant part of the money earned by her on educating her single child. She has also been supporting her husband, who has all through been an addict. He never worked. Her son completed his engineering and joined a company in Gurgaon. Financially she is now slightly comfortable. After a long period of darkness she expected some light now. She had been searching for a suitable match for her son. But destiny had something different in store for him. One unfortunate evening, while returning home, he met with a serious accident at IFFCO Chowk. He was rushed to a nearby hospital – he had already bled profusely. The doctors tried their best but soon declared that he was no more. Some say there is nothing as painful as losing a child. While describing her experience, she wept inconsolably. Three months have passed since that tragic day. The grief is still very fresh in her heart. She still longs for the return of her son. She expresses that “there is deep feeling of sadness and loss, and a yearning to see him. Sometimes there is anxiety, a sense of despair – and loneliness. I dearly want to see him again, but I cannot – not in this life time.”
Death is one of the most fundamental and painful aspects of life. Our souls and consciousness may persist or be reborn, depending on what you believe – though sometimes even that is not enough to soothe a broken heart. We are bound, in the course of our lives, to experience the loss of loved ones; and, in turn, be mourned by those who will survive us. Loss is an affliction that cannot be undone. The finality of death brings to those left behind a tremendous amount of emotional pain. The grief can be very physical. When our world is turned upside down, the adjustment we have to make is a great challenge to our spirit. Grief is a period when we swing from one extremity of mood to another, in the wake of a serious disruption in our lives. But we should not let this response play havoc with our lives. The noble person has the capacity to live in equanimity, in a world that is intrinsically both wonderful and terrible. The grief will not always feel as terrible as it does in this present moment.
Being associated with care for the disabled, I have come across scores of them who started life ‘normally’, but, either due to some serious accident, cancer or paralysis, lost their body part/parts. Amputees take years to adjust to the loss of a limb(s). At times they isolate themselves – withdraw from people. We try to teach them to: “use your experiences to build new memories, and start new traditions to reach your goals. Sure, you will have to make adjustments for your disability along the road to success – but it is still your path. You are the same human being. You are much more than just your physical experience.”
Trusts in memory of an individual who has died ‘unnaturally’ often go to an organisation doing work and research on the disease that resulted in the person’s death. Many of the volunteers at care centres have lost someone close – prematurely; these survivors want to “give back”, to make it easier for someone else. Often they become volunteers in the very facility where the person died; they maintain the close relationship with the staff, and feel they are helping in a place where they understand the need. Altruism often develops as a response to grief. Losing someone dear can lead to feelings of “I want to do something to honour his/her memory.” Having a disability can make you feel that “I want to make sure no other person has to go through the illness I did.” A fitting memorial is a unique way of responding to grief. Maj. H.P.S. Ahluwalia, Chairman, Indian Spinal Injuries Centre (ISIC), Vasant Kunj, New Delhi set up ISIC after he injured his spine in the Indo-Pak War of 1965. He rightly says, “Sometimes it takes a terrible tragedy to help us discover the true strength of our spirit...and the true purpose of our lives.”
The happiness in this world is very fragile. It can be swept away or broken by events that are beyond our control. A person who is of strong spirit goes through his/her pain and emerges more mature and compassionate.
Dr. Rajesh Bhola is President of Spastic Society of Gurgaon and is working for the cause of children with autism, cerebral palsy, mental retardation and multiple disabilities for more than 20 years.
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